This did not help. To have a "lack of success" would actually be an improvement to my current state. What's worse than failure? A year ago I would tell you nothing is worse than failure. My drive to succeed has always pulled me out of any kind of rut I've ever fallen in and the words "fail" and "failure" weren't in my vocabulary. I refused to admit failure at anything because, as I have already stated, failing was the worst possible outcome I could ever imagine. Now though, now I have failed in almost every single aspect of my life and I have to think that the word "failing" is too generous, too positive, too... wrong.
I write this to you from my bed. My bed which is in a bedroom adjacent to my brother's room and my kids' room, above the garage attached to my father's house. Yes, you read that right. My FATHER'S house. How did I get here??
Failure #1- Marriage
Almost 6 years ago I married the man I hoped my ex-husband would be instead of the man he was. The night before my wedding I told him I didn't want to go through with it and he told me it was cold feet. I countered with the reasons for my hesitance and he promised none of my issues would ever pose a problem. He would fix the ones he could and promised me the ones I wanted for the future.
The irony behind it is, I didn't believe him. I wanted to believe him, but I knew with every fiber in my body that it wasn't going to work. Yet during the ceremony, as I mentally encouraged myself to say no, I managed to spit out, "I do," instead! WHAT THE FUCK?!
He ended up worse than I thought he would too. I'm an idiot.
Failure #2- Career
I managed to work my way up in a bank and became a branch manager. I realized the company I was working for didn't parallel my ethical stance on things so I left for a company I believed aligned better with my moral compass.
I did better than succeed at my role there. My branch surpassed all goals put into place and we were #1 in the company for all of 2013. Then my boss left and everything went to shit. My branch continued to be number one, but the tenured management team didn't like that a newbie was leading the way. I got an assistant manager transferred to me in July and on her very first day she told me these tenured managers were looking for a way to fire me and to "be careful." A week later, I was terminated.
During my termination meeting, I was told I wasn't fit to be a manager. They listed reason after reason why they were right and how I needed to find a career that I could excel at and enjoy. I thought I had been doing that?
They didn't just take away my job that day. They took away my confidence and self-worth. Now I'm jobless and don't know what to do.
Failure #3- Finances
Because of my divorce and loss of job, I had to put my house on the market and hope to break even. I don't know how to pay my next mortgage payment because my bills far outweigh my unemployment. Plus, my ex has yet to give me even a dollar of child support. Now I'm in a position where I have to choose to pay my bills and keep my stellar credit rating, or feed and clothe my children.
Sayonara 800 Fico.
I know what you're thinking... people out there have it so much worse than me. I should feel lucky to have a father willing to take me in. I should also be grateful that I'm receiving anything from unemployment. I should also be happy I get to keep custody of my kids. Other's don't have what I have. But you know what? The people that have it worse than me, aren't me! I know I should be grateful and feel lucky, but I don't! I feel like a LOSER. I feel like an incompetent, broke, whatever's-worse-than-failure. And this feeling doesn't go away. Everything I see, everything I own, everywhere I go, just reinforces how far I've fallen.
Don't worry. I put on a brave face to everyone around me and although I know my smile ceases to reach my eyes anymore, I'll continue my facade in hopes no one recognizes my defeat. And as always, I will keep the self-bashing within the confines of my mind... and this blog.
Ugh. Worse than failure sucks.
