It's been a couple of months since I've written on here. Not because I haven't wanted to or haven't been inspired, I guess I've just been too lazy... or busy, depending on how you look at it.
I've been living at my father's house just over two months now. I'm ambivalent about being here. I realize it's what's best for my family, but at the same time I still scorn myself for NEEDING to be here. I don't know if I'll ever get over it.
Yesterday was my wedding anniversary. I would prefer to say, WOULD HAVE BEEN my wedding anniversary, but my divorce STILL isn't finalized. I'm irritated and don't understand what the hold up is! WA is a 50/50 state so really, there shouldn't be anything to debate, but his attorney is finding things. Grrrrrrrrrrr...
There has been one thing, aside from my children (of course), that's been giving me a bit of happiness. I started seeing someone. It wasn't expected and the potential for longevity is close to none, but he's been a great distraction. He's kind, has a great soul, treats me with passion when we're together, gives me my space, and is an amazing kisser. He has the qualities I'd like to have in a companion. I know, the big question is then, WHY is there no potential for longevity? Because, as he put it, our relationship is, "too close to home." Deciphered: He's my sister-in-law's uncle. When my brother and her found out about us dating, they quickly made us feel uncomfortable and made it clear that to explore any further than "hanging out" would be too taboo. He and I have discussed what we're doing and he agrees we'll never get any further.
The good news is, I'm not looking for anything long-term right now. I've been in a terrible marriage for years. I'm ready for FUN! I just want to go out and have a good time. He's giving that to me and I don't have to worry about it turning serious! It's pretty win/win, except for the fact if I even for a second ALLOWED myself to, I could fall for him. I think he feels the same way. He told me I have the eyes he could fall for. Then he quickly stopped what he was saying and said he'd given me too much ammo. Lol.
Speaking of this guy, he said something to me that at first, I was having trouble understanding. He told me he viewed me as "co-dependent." Hearing this was a slap in the face! I've never viewed myself as co-dependent. In fact, in my previous relationships, the men had always complained that I was too independent. I started to explain this to him, but it sounded defensive so I stopped. I took to googling codependent's definition and WebMD came up with an insightful example. "Making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself." After reading that, I thought back to my my ex and realized, yeah, I put our relationship above myself in a lot of ways. I sacrificed my passions, dreams, and ambition for the sake of the relationship. Now look at me. Had I made myself more important than the relationship, I would probably be in a very different place. Actually, I probably never would have married him.
So thanks to him saying that to me, I'm reevaluating my actions and how I come across. It's difficult though. I don't even know what I did that has given him enough information to even formulate the opinion on my co-dependency. He's either very insightful (which makes me enjoy him even more) or I am completely disillusioned. Here's hoping he's just insightful and I can learn to make myself more of a priority.
Wish me luck!
