Co-dependent?

It's been a couple of months since I've written on here.  Not because I haven't wanted to or haven't been inspired, I guess I've just been too lazy... or busy, depending on how you look at it.

I've been living at my father's house just over two months now.  I'm ambivalent about being here.  I realize it's what's best for my family, but at the same time I still scorn myself for NEEDING to be here. I don't know if I'll ever get over it.

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary.  I would prefer to say, WOULD HAVE BEEN my wedding anniversary, but my divorce STILL isn't finalized.  I'm irritated and don't understand what the hold up is!  WA is a 50/50 state so really, there shouldn't be anything to debate, but his attorney is finding things.  Grrrrrrrrrrr...

There has been one thing, aside from my children (of course), that's been giving me a bit of happiness.  I started seeing someone.  It wasn't expected and the potential for longevity is close to none, but he's been a great distraction.  He's kind, has a great soul, treats me with passion when we're together, gives me my space, and is an amazing kisser.  He has the qualities I'd like to have in a companion.  I know, the big question is then, WHY is there no potential for longevity?  Because, as he put it, our relationship is, "too close to home."  Deciphered:  He's my sister-in-law's uncle.  When my brother and her found out about us dating, they quickly made us feel uncomfortable and made it clear that to explore any further than "hanging out" would be too taboo.  He and I have discussed what we're doing and he agrees we'll never get any further.

The good news is, I'm not looking for anything long-term right now. I've been in a terrible marriage for years.  I'm ready for FUN!  I just want to go out and have a good time.  He's giving that to me and I don't have to worry about it turning serious!  It's pretty win/win, except for the fact if I even for a second ALLOWED myself to, I could fall for him.  I think he feels the same way.  He told me I have the eyes he could fall for.  Then he quickly stopped what he was saying and said he'd given me too much ammo.  Lol.

Speaking of this guy, he said something to me that at first, I was having trouble understanding.  He told me he viewed me as "co-dependent."  Hearing this was a slap in the face!  I've never viewed myself as co-dependent.  In fact, in my previous relationships, the men had always complained that I was too independent.  I started to explain this to him, but it sounded defensive so I stopped.  I took to googling codependent's definition and WebMD came up with an insightful example.  "Making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself." After reading that, I thought back to my my ex and realized, yeah, I put our relationship above myself in a lot of ways.  I sacrificed my passions, dreams, and ambition for the sake of the relationship. Now look at me.  Had I made myself more important than the relationship, I would probably be in a very different place.  Actually, I probably never would have married him.

So thanks to him saying that to me, I'm reevaluating my actions and how I come across.  It's difficult though.  I don't even know what I did that has given him enough information to even formulate the opinion on my co-dependency.  He's either very insightful (which makes me enjoy him even more) or I am completely disillusioned.  Here's hoping he's just insightful and I can learn to make myself more of a priority.

Wish me luck!

Worse than Failure

The word "failure" has been fluttering in and out of mind constantly lately.  In an effort to provide reasonable doubt regarding myself being a failure, I googled its most simplistic definition.  The answer?  Lack of success.

This did not help.  To have a "lack of success" would actually be an improvement to my current state.  What's worse than failure?  A year ago I would tell you nothing is worse than failure.  My drive to succeed has always pulled me out of any kind of rut I've ever fallen in and the words "fail" and "failure" weren't in my vocabulary.  I refused to admit failure at anything because, as I have already stated, failing was the worst possible outcome I could ever imagine.  Now though, now I have failed in almost every single aspect of my life and I have to think that the word "failing" is too generous, too positive, too... wrong.  

I write this to you from my bed.  My bed which is in a bedroom adjacent to my brother's room and my kids' room, above the garage attached to my father's house.  Yes, you read that right.  My FATHER'S house.  How did I get here??

Failure #1-  Marriage

Almost 6 years ago I married the man I hoped my ex-husband would be instead of the man he was.  The night before my wedding I told him I didn't want to go through with it and he told me it was cold feet.  I countered with the reasons for my hesitance and he promised none of my issues would ever pose a problem.  He would fix the ones he could and promised me the ones I wanted for the future.  

The irony behind it is, I didn't believe him.  I wanted to believe him, but I knew with every fiber in my body that it wasn't going to work.   Yet during the ceremony, as I mentally encouraged myself to say no, I managed to spit out, "I do," instead!  WHAT THE FUCK?!  

He ended up worse than I thought he would too.  I'm an idiot.

Failure #2- Career

I managed to work my way up in a bank and became a branch manager.  I realized the company I was working for didn't parallel my ethical stance on things so I left for a company I believed aligned better with my moral compass. 

I did better than succeed at my role there.  My branch surpassed all goals put into place and we were #1 in the company for all of 2013.  Then my boss left and everything went to shit.  My branch continued to be number one, but the tenured management team didn't like that a newbie was leading the way.  I got an assistant manager transferred to me in July and on her very first day she told me these tenured managers were looking for a way to fire me and to "be careful."  A week later, I was terminated.

During my termination meeting, I was told I wasn't fit to be a manager.  They listed reason after reason why they were right and how I needed to find a career that I could excel at and enjoy.  I thought I had been doing that?

They didn't just take away my job that day.  They took away my confidence and self-worth.  Now I'm jobless and don't know what to do.

Failure #3- Finances

Because of my divorce and loss of job, I had to put my house on the market and hope to break even. I don't know how to pay my next mortgage payment because my bills far outweigh my unemployment.  Plus, my ex has yet to give me even a dollar of child support.  Now I'm in a position where I have to choose to pay my bills and keep my stellar credit rating, or feed and clothe my children.  

Sayonara 800 Fico.

I know what you're thinking... people out there have it so much worse than me.  I should feel lucky to have a father willing to take me in.  I should also be grateful that I'm receiving anything from unemployment.  I should also be happy I get to keep custody of my kids.  Other's don't have what I have.  But you know what?  The people that have it worse than me, aren't me!  I know I should be grateful and feel lucky, but I don't!  I feel like a LOSER.  I feel like an incompetent, broke, whatever's-worse-than-failure.  And this feeling doesn't go away.  Everything I see, everything I own, everywhere I go, just reinforces how far I've fallen.   

Don't worry.  I put on a brave face to everyone around me and although I know my smile ceases to reach my eyes anymore, I'll continue my facade in hopes no one recognizes my defeat.  And as always, I will keep the self-bashing within the confines of my mind... and this blog.

Ugh.  Worse than failure sucks.

Bring me back to life!

Have you ever looked back at your prior self and thought, "That was me?!"

Yesterday, one of my brothers and I got into an argument.  He ended up saying that all women are heartless bitches.  At that point, I stuck up for myself and told him to quit generalizing sexes.

Anyway, today I was feeling nostalgic and went browsing through my email from over 7 years ago.  Back then, I had a friend, best friend, who was in love with me.  I was engaged to my soon-to-be ex-husband so I never explored what could of happened.  Regardless, some of the emails I read were to and from this friend... and holy shit, I was a heartless bitch!

Maybe my brother is right?  Hmm...

So I continued to read everything from back then and I felt as if I was reading someone else's words.  The person who wrote and responded to all those emails was so passionate, energetic, ambitious, and sometimes just downright mean, but only because she thought it was for the good of the situation.  It's odd because, that's how I would like to describe myself now, but...

If you know me today, truly know me, you'd probably describe me as dismissive, sad, sarcastic, broken, and lonely.  Is it because I'm no longer 25?  Or am I just a bitter woman who's had her heart broken so many times by the same person, I lost who I was?  Am I just more mature?  Or does my life just suck right now?

I want to get back to who I was back then, but I don't know how.  Am I lost forever?

My Introduction

I've been contemplating this blog for months now.  I'd sit around and routinely ramble in my mind, going off on tangent after tangent, never coming to any definitive conclusion for my thoughts.  Today though, after rummaging through the blogs (some brilliant, some needing heart) of my fellow thinkers and writers, I decided was the day I'd begin.

Yet, when I sat down to let loose on the screen what's been captive in my mind, I drew a blank.  Every idea I've chased in the past, all my shortcomings the world would enjoy poking fun at, the rants I create when nothing in particular would create an angry frenzy, everything just disappeared.  I haven't even tried and I already had writers block.  Is this normal?

It is because of this, I decided I'd just introduce myself.  So, here I go!

My name is Jennifer.  I'd share my last name, but I'm in the middle of a divorce so it will be changing anyway, so what's the point?  I have 2 children, Clara and Isaiah, who really are the only things that keep me somewhat lucid.  I was fired from my job in July 2013 which devastated my very existence, but also allowed me to finally focus on something other than my career and divorce.  I live in the lush, rainy, gloomy, and increasingly beautiful state of Washington, but spent over a decade in sunny southern California.

I'd have to say my life has been one mistake after another.  I haven't accomplished much to be proud of, with the exception of my children, but I'm surprisingly undamaged... I think?

Anyway, I anticipate this blog being more of a personal diary or outlet for frustrations, but who knows?  Maybe it will grow into something I can say I'm proud of.

I suppose the cliche "only time will tell" line is going to have to suffice.