Bring me back to life!

Have you ever looked back at your prior self and thought, "That was me?!"

Yesterday, one of my brothers and I got into an argument.  He ended up saying that all women are heartless bitches.  At that point, I stuck up for myself and told him to quit generalizing sexes.

Anyway, today I was feeling nostalgic and went browsing through my email from over 7 years ago.  Back then, I had a friend, best friend, who was in love with me.  I was engaged to my soon-to-be ex-husband so I never explored what could of happened.  Regardless, some of the emails I read were to and from this friend... and holy shit, I was a heartless bitch!

Maybe my brother is right?  Hmm...

So I continued to read everything from back then and I felt as if I was reading someone else's words.  The person who wrote and responded to all those emails was so passionate, energetic, ambitious, and sometimes just downright mean, but only because she thought it was for the good of the situation.  It's odd because, that's how I would like to describe myself now, but...

If you know me today, truly know me, you'd probably describe me as dismissive, sad, sarcastic, broken, and lonely.  Is it because I'm no longer 25?  Or am I just a bitter woman who's had her heart broken so many times by the same person, I lost who I was?  Am I just more mature?  Or does my life just suck right now?

I want to get back to who I was back then, but I don't know how.  Am I lost forever?

My Introduction

I've been contemplating this blog for months now.  I'd sit around and routinely ramble in my mind, going off on tangent after tangent, never coming to any definitive conclusion for my thoughts.  Today though, after rummaging through the blogs (some brilliant, some needing heart) of my fellow thinkers and writers, I decided was the day I'd begin.

Yet, when I sat down to let loose on the screen what's been captive in my mind, I drew a blank.  Every idea I've chased in the past, all my shortcomings the world would enjoy poking fun at, the rants I create when nothing in particular would create an angry frenzy, everything just disappeared.  I haven't even tried and I already had writers block.  Is this normal?

It is because of this, I decided I'd just introduce myself.  So, here I go!

My name is Jennifer.  I'd share my last name, but I'm in the middle of a divorce so it will be changing anyway, so what's the point?  I have 2 children, Clara and Isaiah, who really are the only things that keep me somewhat lucid.  I was fired from my job in July 2013 which devastated my very existence, but also allowed me to finally focus on something other than my career and divorce.  I live in the lush, rainy, gloomy, and increasingly beautiful state of Washington, but spent over a decade in sunny southern California.

I'd have to say my life has been one mistake after another.  I haven't accomplished much to be proud of, with the exception of my children, but I'm surprisingly undamaged... I think?

Anyway, I anticipate this blog being more of a personal diary or outlet for frustrations, but who knows?  Maybe it will grow into something I can say I'm proud of.

I suppose the cliche "only time will tell" line is going to have to suffice.